How to forgive others the way God intended

“God will forgive us in the same measure that we forgive others.”

That statement blew my mind. 

It was said by a man named Fred who was teaching me and about a dozen other religious education teachers about The Lord’s Prayer. The training included about two hours of breaking down this familiar prayer line by line. I say familiar, but after that class, it was like I had never heard it before…never really heard it anyway.

The line he was explaining reads “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Although the words clearly state the meaning behind them, they had been empty to me. You see, The Lord’s Prayer was something I’d been reciting as long as I can remember. I don’t even remember learning it, I’ve known it so long. It was ritualistic for me. I said the words as sort of a chant, not giving them any real meaning in my mind. It was the one prayer we said so often I never had to think about it. The words rolled off my tongue.

To be brutally honest, when I heard that the class was going to cover this topic, I really didn’t want to go. I mean, I knew the prayer. What could he possibly say that would make me see this verbal relic in a new light? 

Then he dropped that bombshell. I was floored.

Convicted

The class was strictly lecture with no time built in to discuss any revelations that came up. I left wondering if any others were as blown away as I was by this seemingly simple explanation of a small part of scripture.

That was years ago and it still stops me cold every time I say those words. In fact, there were several other nuances I learned about every other part of that prayer. I won’t go into great detail but, did you know bread doesn’t really mean bread? That could be a whole other blog post right there!

This new information not only made me think twice every time I recited the prayer, it also convicted me. I had not been forgiving others the way I had hoped God would forgive me. 

Sometimes, I didn’t forgive. I just tried to forget. 

Other times, I would forgive but just with words. 

Then there were times I’d leave confession and not feel any different.

Do you always forgive others when they do wrong? When you forgive someone, do you forgive them fully? Do you feel God’s forgiveness when you ask for it?

God Sees Our Hearts

Although it’s not easy to say the words, “I forgive you,” it can be done. What’s more difficult is saying them with the intention God has for our hearts. We say the words but don’t mean them, just to get it over with. For those of you with kids, it happens nearly every time you ask them to “say they’re sorry.” One looks down at the ground and spits out “sorry” nearly under his breath. Ten minutes later they are duking it out again. Clearly no change of heart there. 

It might not be quite as obvious with adults. We’ve learned to at least appear conciliatory, even if we’re not. The thing is, God sees our hearts. He knows when we are not being authentic. 

Forgiveness of others was clearly important to God. He makes this quite clear in Matthew 18:22: Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy-seven times.

Some translations use the number “seventy times seven.” Commentaries on this verse state that the meaning behind either verbiage means “an unlimited number.” (Haydock) It can be quite frustrating when someone keeps sinning against you. It may feel unfair that you have to forgive them when they just keep treating you badly. What we may not realize is the apology benefits us more than it does them.

forgive others and let go

In the NPR article “Why Forgiving Someone Else is Really About You,” forgiveness author and peace educator says we have to forgive for our own health and well-being.

“The expanded version of forgiveness that I love to teach is a deep, soul-level letting-go of our pain, our sorrow, our suffering,” Holub says. “And we do that because we want to be free. We do that because we want to be healthy and we want to have peace of mind.”

So, how do we start?

In it’s article, “Four Thoughts To Help You Forgive Others,” Focus On The Family gives three steps to forgiveness:

1. Start by praying for that person. Pray for their good. Ask God to help you love them as He loves them. It’s hard to be quite as angry with someone who you are praying for on a consistent basis.
2. Ask God to help you. Come to a place where you desire to forgive the person who hurt you, then ask God to give you the strength to do so.
3. Try, try, and try again. You may not feel very forgiving the first time you pray for them, or you may find that your thoughts drift back to anger or hurt. However, don’t be discouraged. This is completely natural and can be part of the process. Think of it as building your “forgiveness muscle” – it takes time. Keep at it and, eventually, God will help you truly forgive those who have hurt you.

I can’t forgive myself

Since I’ve learned the truth about the importance of forgiveness, the act of forgiving others has become much easier for me. Sometimes, I still struggle, but knowing what’s riding on my forgiveness I can usually overcome my hesitation. 

There’s one area that tends to be much more difficult for me…forgiving myself. When I am ashamed of something I’ve done, I get caught on the hamster wheel of self-condemnation for my wrongs. What does the Bible say about forgiving yourself?

It doesn’t.

That’s because it’s not our job.

Lysa Terkeurst says, “Since we are not the judge, we can’t pardon ourselves. So, when we feel like we are struggling with forgiveness for ourselves, what’s really happening is a struggle to fully receive the forgiveness of God.”

We ask for forgiveness. He forgives. And then we don’t accept?

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

If God is willing to forgive, why wouldn’t we be willing to be forgiven?

On a podcast I was listening to recently, it said if you don’t accept God’s forgiveness then you are disrespecting all that the cross represents.

Wow. What could be worse?

Now, when I catch myself in that cycle of shame and doubt, I remember those words. I owe Jesus everything for dying for me. The least I can do is accept the meaning of His sacrifice. 

I leave you with a short prayer by Sarah Coleman on Christianity.com for when you struggle with your own sin.

 “Father, today I ask forgiveness of all the negative and harmful words I have spoken about myself. I do not want to abuse myself in such a way again. Transform my thoughts and let me understand how marvelously you made me. Change my habits so I use my tongue to speak hope and favor upon my life. In Jesus’ name.”